Samm

For the last few weeks things have really been getting worse. We usually get things like this with my mum. She gets worse and worse till it hits a head when she then gets better for a week or two and it seems as though she is going to stop and get better. Then she normally begins drinking again and the cycle re starts. Well the other day I thought it had hit a head. We had the usual, I want to kill myself. I hate myself. I don’t want to drink any more. You deserve a mum and instead your the mum. All the usual stuff she says when it hits a head. However neither me nor my dad reacted to it properly this time because well ya hear the same shit over and over and it kinda gets to a point that you no longer believe it.

Anyhow, tuesday my mum got very drunk and passed out on the sofa, so my dad cooked dinner and left hers on the table. He does that when he gets angry because he wants her to know he aint happy, but when you tell her it breaks out into the biggest row and somehow you end up feeling like it is your fault. So we have both learned to do it in a way to prevent this. It is just easier than feeling guilty all the time. I’m diverting from the subject again! Sorry!

Well on Wednesday morning I went into the living room to check on my mum, she still was not awake, so I thought I had best try and wake her to see she was okay. She was. She decided to make herself a cup of tea, this was not long before I was leaving, I had everything packed up and ready, I was just getting my things together. My mum asked me where her mug was, I didn’t even think about the fact that my dad had left it on the table full of tea along with her dinner. So I just said “I don’t know”. Then I walked into the kitchen and opened the dinning room door to see if it was in there, that is when I remembered that, that was all there. I really didn’t want to face the “why has this been left here?” question. So I picked up my bags and begun to walk out the door. I saw my mum walk towards the kitchen, I knew she was going to find the dinner and I knew that she would know I had purposefully left the dinning room door open so that she could see it. I knew I should have walked back in and explained but I ignored the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’ve had that feeling so many times and nothing has happened, so I thought “why should this time be any different?” Well I was most definitely wrong to think that.

At 6:30 I knew I had to ring my dad. I kept thinking should I ring my mum? All day. I knew though if she was okay and I rang her and woke her up, I would be in for it (she was supposed to be on nights last night).  So I left it till 6:30 when my dad gets in from work. When my dad answered the phone I knew something had happened by the way he said hello. It weren’t his usual hello. He asked me what my mum had taken. I was still confused and asked what he was talking about. he said that she had said “don’t worry I won’t be here much longer” and he didn’t know what she had taken.

I started to panic was screaming at him to call an ambulance. I was crying and hardly able to breath. I was in Wales, what would I do if she suddenly died? Why would she do this? Plus many other questions going through my head. My dad told me the ambulance had arrived but she was refusing to go to the hospital. With the state I was in there was absolutely no way I could possibly get on that train. I could hardly bloody focus on anything. I was so scared I was going to lose my mum. How the hell could I sit on a train?

Anyway, Kel and Ste said they would take me back to Crewe so I rang my dad and told him I was coming hom. He didn’t want me there though as he said it would make things worse. I tried to convince him but he weren’t having any of it. So I rang shorn, at this point I don’t think anything I was saying was making much sense. I managed to get across to Sharon though that I needed somewhere to stay because I couldn’t be in Wales just in case anything happened. Luckily she said I could stay there. (I’m telling ya I don’t think I’d have got through last night if it weren’t for these people, doing what they could to make sure I could at least relax a little lol).

I rang my dad again and told him i was coming back to Crewe and staying at Sharon’s. He was not happy and put my mum on the phone (yep she could talk, she hadn’t taken that many but we’ll get too that in a bit) She came on telling me not to be so selfish and to stop whining and blah blah blah. She was ignoring me when I was begging her to go to the hospital. So when she passed me back to my dad, I said I was coming back no matter what but he was just not to tell my mum. Wouldn’t anyone go back home in my pos?

Anyhow after I’d had time to think about it I started to see things that didn’t add up. First off my mum only took 10 co-codamol, that is not going to be enough to kill her, and i’m thinking she knew that. When my dad walked in she said “don’t worry I won’t be here much longer” so that he knew she had taken something. Then she refused to go to the hospital because she didn’t want her work to know. She left the co-codamol packet out for my dad to find and this was done not longer after me and my dad did not react to her saying she was going to kill herself??

Yet I still have this massive feeling of guilt. What if this was for real? Why have I been so bloody harsh with my mum? Why have i made her feel as though she is completely alone? Honestly I have been terrible towards my mum recently. She no longer felt she had me as her daughter and I did that. So I could have easily caused this.

She is my mum. I just don’t know how to feel about any of this. One side of me is saying it weren’t real, she just wanted to reel us back in. Yet the other side of me is saying “what have you done?” I feel as though I have to be there for her just in case. What will I do if next time she tries she succeeds and I have just been malicious towards her??

What do you want to be doing in ten years? See above

What are your favorite subjects in school? I hated School!!!!
When you have an hour of free time, what do you like to do? Go on my computer, omg I’m so sad ha ha ha ha
What is the strangest thing you ever did? I do strange things all the time. How the hell am I supposed to pin point one strange thing?! lol
What is the strangest food you ever ate? A snail……ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I understand not everyone thinks mental health is as hard to cure as it is. However, I do. Therefore people, you know who you are, reading this blog about my personal life and thinking things such as that. Well I’m sorry but I’d prefer you not to read it. Thank you.

Where do I start with this post? I really have no idea! there is so much running round my head, that it is pretty hard to get the beginning, however, I will try! LOL

My mum, as you know is an alcoholic and it is so horrible to sit by and watch as she kills herself. Throughout the years I have played “mum”, being there for her emotionally whenever she needed to talk, or cry. Picking her up and putting her in bed before my dad got home, so he wouldn’t know she was drunk. Just generally working to try and make her life better, what I didn’t see was, I was actually enabling her drinking. By hiding it from my dad, being there for her when she needed me. This all showed my mum I approved of her drinking and I thought it was okay. I didn’t but doing those things made her believe I did. This has caused a situation where i feel I am either on my mum or my dads side.

A long while ago, not long after my mum and dad had come back from Spain I was in town with my mum in town, when she said to me “I need to go and get vodka”. I remember just telling her I no longer wanted to know about her drinking. To this day I feel terrible about that, yet I know it was the right thing to do. However I still feel the guilt of taking away the one person she felt she could rely on. At that moment mine and my mum’s relationship completely changed. she lost her trust in me. She has even told me so. she now feels as though I am on my dad’s side. She feels as though I no longer care. This is not true, I just couldn’t cope with being the one she relied on any more.

My dad is by far the most wonderful man I have ever know. I have so much respect for him. He will never leave my mum, no matter what. He stands by her in everything. I really do think my mum was extremely lucky to find him. However he has to do everything, now he is so used to it, he won’t even let me help. I try and every now and again, he allows me to cook dinner but that is about it. Well no he does allow me to wash the floor as he is hopeless at it and I told him that he is no longer allowed to even attempt washing the floor lmao. Yet I can’t help but this, this must affect him.

In our house on Christmas day was the best time we have spent as a family in years. The only part that was missing was my brother (he lives in kent). On that day my mum was sober and it was an amazing day, it actually made me feel there was hope for our family. However, it didn’t take long for it to go back to “normal”. It made me see that much of the tension in this house is caused by mum mum’s drinking. It affects us all. To see her killing herself and knowing there is nothing we can do, destroys us all.

My brother rarely comes up, so she often is on her best behaviour when he does. so he does not really see her “at her worst”. She does not allow him to see her like that. This is another thing that angers me. For this I feel selfish, because surely it is a good thing that my brother does not have to go through it like I do? Yet I just cannot shake the horrible feeling I have, because she can behave the entire time he is up here. not have a drink till she goes to bed. she behaves for work and much if the time she makes sure my dad does not see her in that state. She goes to bed before he gets in. Yet she does none of this for me. Not ever. Even when we are supposed to go out on days out she decides it will be a better idea to stay in her room and get drunk. She was supposed to take me to town today, but I got up and she had already been into town and had gotten drunk. She only does things in the morning, because then she can spend the day drinking. How am I supposed to feel about that? She chooses drink over me every single time.

The fact of it is, my mum’s drinking causes massive rifts in our family. My dad and mum argue all the time, my brother does not believe me when I tell him how bad it is and my mum does not trust me. My family has been torn apart by a simple substance. I just do not understand it really. Alcoholism does not just affect the alcoholic, but everyone around that alcoholic.

My life is full of things that, had they not happened, would mean I would never have learned some valuable lessons. First off I was bullied. Now this really made me have low self esteem, very low self esteem! I truly thought I was all those things I was called. Sometimes even now when I hear some of the things I was called, it brings back all those feelings of inadequacy! However, I can be pretty bitch now and I know it (I do try to not be and I am working on changing that side of me). I can be bitchy about people to other people when they have really annoyed me! Yet I would never ever say anything to a person if I thought it would hurt that person, or thought if I said it to someone else, it would get back to that person and hurt them. This is because I know how it feels to have someone leach onto your inner most insecurities and dig away at them and make you feel worse. So I could never do that to another person. Does it sometimes hurt that I was bullied? Does it sometimes make me despise myself? Do I sometimes feel anger towards those that bullied me? the answer to all those questions is hell yes!! Hell sometimes I am bitter as anything about it. You know what though? I am also grateful that it happened because it means I will never do it to another person. So yup I have that to be grateful for.

My mum is an alcoholic. For years I have been the mum in the relationship. I have taken care of her, helped her when she needed it and all of that. My mum use to cry on my shoulders. Tell me she wanted to kill herself. Make me feel responsible for the way she is. This has had a huge impact on how I feel about me. Sometimes I honestly blame myself for her actions. When she does something wrong, I find myself apologising for her. None of this is right. Yet I know deep down it has given me the ability to listen to people when they need to talk. This is not to say there are times when I don’t envy other families when I see them being close. Knowing that is something I will never have with my family. That destroys me daily. Watching my mum kill herself, knowing she knows what she is doing to herself but refuses to stop. Know that in her life alcohol will always come before me. Know that no matter what i will never have the mother daughter relationship with my mum, that I so wish I did have. Yet I know that this is something that has made me care about others. I am glad that I give a fuck when others need me too. This to me is a good thing.

I am grateful for my anxiety, depression and everything else. these things have given me a greater understanding of the fear some people feel. A greater understanding of the pain some people suffer. This I believe is something that is a good thing to posses for my chosen career. I often hear people say, well surely you know it is a panic attack? You have had enough of them. Given 7 years ago i’d have probably said exactly the same thing. Now? After suffering with those for 7 years, no way would I say the same thing, because I understand that it is not that simple. If 100 people held a gun to your head, pulled the trigger and it turned out it there was no bullet, you would still be terrified the 101st time someone held a gun to your head because this time it COULD have a bullet inside. This is exactly how someone with panic and anxiety feels. This is something I would never have understood, had I not suffered with them myself.

these are all things that much of the time I feel extremely bitter for. However I try not to let that come across in who i am. (much of the time I fail ). Yet I try, because I would much rather be happy.

Also many of these things that have gone wrong have lead me to meet some wonderful people in my life that I would never have met otherwise. People that have supported me no matter what. Those of them that read this, will know who they are.

Also all those that have screwed me over have taught me lessons about people. I am grateful for those lessons, because without them I would probably be stupidly trusting and give way too much of myself away.

I love all those in my life that have supported me. KI am especially grateful for those people. You know who you are. Love you all. xx

p.s. Not sure if that made much sense at all as I am extremely tired. Been away nearly 20 hours now so am probably just babbling. i just wanted to post this as I have not posted on here in such a long time and I got an urge to do so, so i did. LOL.

p.p.s Hell that last sentence probably didn’t make sense either! LOL. I hope you enjoyed your read, if you could make any sense of it at all lol. Now I am going to shut up. Bye all lol xx

The day started out pretty badly. The weather was atrocious! Before I left my house my hair was perfect. By the time I arrived at the train station my hair was a total mess! The wind totally battered it! I also found it hard NOT to do my make up  before going to have my picture taken. However I knew that I was having my make up done professionally so I managed to get out the door without my make up done! LOL.

Anyway Macclesfield is not really that far from Crewe so the journey we did should have been easy right? Well I suppose on the trains on the way there it was not too bad. We had to wait at Kidsgrove   15 minutes for the next train to Mac but that weren’t too bad. It was more once we arrived that was the problem. Google maps had given us the wrong directions! It took us a further 45 minutes and a phone call to Jo we finally arrived!

We were freezing when we got there but were glad to have arrived! Jo is a lovely women and although we had never met we were laughing together within minutes of getting there.  We got there before our make up artist, who is nothing short of a miracle worker! her details are 07507560929 or email her at makeupbydora@googlemail.com. I was the first one to have my make up done and I assure you I was amazed with the results. I would love to be able to do my make up like that! I looked in the mirror and although I knew it was me, I did not recognise myself! She totally transformed me.

I was nervous about standing in front of a camera and ‘posing’ for my pictures. However Jo made me feel nothing but confident. Making me feel like everything I was doing was right! Even though I was a complete amateur! I am almost certain many of my ‘poses’ were flat out wrong but instead of saying that Jo gave direction! It was truly great!

Every women should have the chance of something like this. I can’t even begin to explain the confidence it gave me to have this done. It made me feel like a different person for an entire day. Before we arrived I was feeling a lot of anxiety. When I began having my make up done though I started to relax. I was extremely tired after only having a little sleep these picture and make up completely transformed me. Here are some before and after pictures that were taken:

BEFORE

AFTER

See they look like two totally different people don’t they? What a transformation. I honestly never believed I could look that good. I felt like someone else for a day. It was a total escape from my every day life.  To be made to feel like someone else, like I didn’t have a problem in the world. Well who would think something as simple as having your make up done professionally and pictures taken professionally could do that?

I am so very grateful to both Jo and Dora for the make up and pictures and the general experience of something like that! I am also grateful top Olivia for letting me know about this. I cannot wait till in a few weeks me and Olivia will go back for the viewing of these pictures.

1)

Has to be my cat daisy. Or as she likes to be known princess Daisy. She loves to think she owns everything lol. She has got to be the most loving cat I have ever encountered. She loves her strokes and cuddles and purrs even if you just look at her. I remember taking her to the vet, whereas most cats are scared of the vet she just sat there purring lapping up the attention. What’s not to love in a cat the gives you so much love back in return? Seriously she is always there to make me feel better. Awwww I do love her to pieces

2) my friends

Seriously I could not ask for a better bunch of friends. They make me smile when I am down. They listen when I need them and they trust me. I am grateful to have each and every one of them in my life

3) going to uni

This makes me smile in a ‘see told ya so way’. When I first started going to college everyone, including my own parents, said I would not pass college let alone get accepted to uni and yet here I am nearly completed my first year of university . This really does make me happy. for years of being told i was thick and would not be able to pass my GCSEs even if I tried by my teachers in school, aint it just great to prove them wrong?

4) being a bleeding heart, liberal, do-gooder

I have heard people get mad when they are called this but seriously I am glad this is what I am classed as. I am happy to give people a second chance and truly believe everyone deserves that second chance. I don’t believe in just judging people on their actions I would much rather try and understand and help them. I do not see that as a bad thing myself so yup I am a bleeding heart liberal do gooder and proud! lol

5)Kids

Aint they just the best? No matter how low you are feeling a kid can always make you smile. They come out with random things that ust put a smile on your face. They are so innocent and sweet! Whats there not to smile about?

6) the sun

I love the sun. So warm and just smiley. a hard one to explain but I always feel better in the sun!

7) The snow

Complete contrast to the sun but it sure as hell makes everything look pretty and it is so relaxing to stand out in the snow when it is falling. nothing better than that I say lol

 a night in with friends

I don’t go out that often. Don’t like pubs and in all honesty drunk people tend to annoy me. so I have great nights in with my mates. Just sitting around and talking about crap. Playing games and just generally having a laugh

9) Shopping

I LOVE to shop! It is so much fun, especially in charity shops where you really have to look around for things you like. Always makes me feel better to go on a good old bargin hunt and when I find them bargins, it is like all my Christmases have come at once

and finally 10) My computer

Yes i am sad and I wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have my computer and the internet. This is mainly how I stay in contact with people so my computer makes me smile. i don’t care how sad that is ha ha

in this post I am tagging Sharon over at pull up a chair

and lyn over at fun changes the world

Further to this, I am constantly hearing that the violence these boys witnessed in TV programmes and maybe in their own lives at home would not impact on them committing such a crime. Well I am sorry but it would. To see violence on a daily basis, on TV or in real life, you will become desensitised to it. If we never see violence we will be shocked when we do. However to see it regularly this will take away the shock factor of seeing it and make us much more likely to commit acts. This is why at 10 years old, these boys watching these films and seeing violence regularly will have had a major impact on he way they thought about violence.

Okay so not all kids will react in this way when they see violence on a regular basis. That does not mean that this is not an explanation for why they did it. Not every one reacts the same way in all situations otherwise there would be no disagreement and  people would always agree as these things would be set in stone. I don’t believe that this is the full reason for why they did what they did, but i do believe it is partly an explanation and we need to look further into this.

Putting their age aside, ignoring the fact that they were not fully developed, lets say they did understand what they were doing. Where will all this lynch mob behaviour actually get us? How can we say that they were all these things for killing Jamie and yet in the same sentence then state that they deserve to be tortured and murdered for their crime. Is that not a complete contradiction? How can we say they were sick, vile monsters when they were children, yet think it is completely fine for us adults to say it should be done to them. It is either a sick vile act or it is not. This cannot be changed to suit.

Another thing that I was thinking of today. Do children really need to be seeing that adults think violence is okay sometimes as long as it is directed at the right people? Does that not make crimes like these a lot more likely to happen? Kids are more likely to think that taking the law into your own hands is fine. Or maybe they will feel vengeance towards someone and act violently towards them. After all is that not what children are being taught now? When they hear constantly that this would be okay as long as you feel someone has done wrong enough for you to be violent towards them?

This society has become a society of blame. We see what has gone wrong and them blame and become vengeful towards people. Yet this is not actually getting us anywhere. It just serves to keep this country in the same place. I personally feel it would serve this country much better to find out why these boys did what they did. to try and understand their actions. Look at their behaviour fully both before, during and after the crime was committed and maybe prevent crimes like these happening time and time again. We have already had 3 cases since 1968 of children killing toddlers. Don’t you think it is about time that we as a society took some responsibility for the society we live in and try and make changes and stop such tragedy’s happening.

If people were to read in the news that a man held up a chemist and stole some drugs, they would automatically assume that the man was a druggie who deserved being locked up. People don’t bother to look into things any further than what they read. They simply read what is in front of them and then begin to judge. What if you were then to find out that he held up that chemist in order to get a life saving drug for his wife? then you wouldn’t have the opinion that he should be lock up would you? But would anyone ever bother to look further than what the paper or the news says?

Why do people think they can have such strong and damaging opinions, that they quite freely express, on a subject that really they have no clue about?

Here is an example, I was having a heated discussion with my friend the other day about the fact that when I was younger I used to go out and get drunk on the feild. something which I am almost certain most of you have some kind of experience with. Well she did not have experience with this. she did not experience my life whilst I was growing up but she still felt she was able to judge my actions and that of my friends. Those judgements are something that most of my friends and I had experienced on a regular basis growing up, which then led us to believe that maybe we were just rubbish and therefore couldn’t really ‘make something of ourselves’. These were from people that really had no clue about our life yet felt free to comment on how we lived it and therefore we felt pretty bad about ourselves.

On the other hand the working class are also quick to judge the middle and upper classes as pompus and ignorant. something which I must confess I have been guilty of in the past. Now however I know plenty of middle class people that I would not say are pompus or ignorant and are in fact very good friends of mine. Yet had I stuck to my judgement of middle class people I would never have actually become friends with them.

This has probably caused a very big devide in society between classes when really there need not be one. If we just look at each person as an individual. Ignore the persons past (okay not always possible), ignore the money they have and just see them as they are and what they bring to our life, we may just find we make a few new friends that would not have come into our life based on judgements made on our stereotypical views.